We Never Had Sex How Was That Adultery?

Is adultery only the sexual act or can be involve other relational aspects?

As a pastor I had to deal with that question. A young couple came to see me. The husband looked very perplexed and the wife was distraught. She bluntly said, "He is committing adultery and it is tearing me apart!" He responded with a protest "I have never ever done that!!"

As the session proceeded I established they were talking about two different things. He was talking about the traditional view.

Traditionally adultery has been just the sexual act. The dictionary definition is an example of that view, 'voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband;' Merriam-Webster's collegiate dictionary. (10th ed.)

The Biblical texts emphasize the same sort of thing, as in Deut 22: 22a, "If a man is found lying with a married woman,"

However, the Bible does have one text that goes to another level. Jesus said in Matthew 5:27-28, "You have heard that it was said, 'YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY'; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." From we see that adultery can be something else than the physical sexual act.

The Husband could in all honesty assert that he never committed adultery. That is because he had not had sex with any woman except his wife. Plus he felt that he was not even lusting after another woman.

The wife was speaking with complete honesty too. She was talking about another level of adultery. She went on, "Maybe you have not had sex with her, but you are committing emotional adultery with her!"

So then we had to explore the concept of what she meant by emotional adultery. As she sensed that we were listening to her and taking her seriously, she explained in detail what she meant.

In sexual adultery you would be breaking the relationship by giving the sexual intimacy that is reserved for your spouse. By doing that you are betraying and destroying the very foundation of trust and love of the relationship covenant. In emotional adultery you are giving emotional intimacy to another, again, betraying, and destroying trust and love. At the same time in both you are denying your spouse the sexual and emotional intimacy that is their due.

In this case he was sharing with another woman on an intimate level that he should have only shared with his wife. He did it with without even knowing what he was doing and the grief he was causing his wife to go through.

The session ended wonderfully with repentance, forgiveness asked and given, the relationship restored, and his contacts with the other woman ended. From that start they rebuilt the relationship and went on to have a healthy marriage.

Another one did not end so well. In that case the problem was porn. The wife was distraught over his continuing to spend lots of time viewing porn. He was lusting after them and not desiring his wife sexually. She desired him, wanted sex, and was an attractive young woman, so none of common problem areas were issues here. He was again giving the porn what was his wife's due and in so doing was breaking the trust, love and covenant he made with her. Remember Jesus said "everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Unfortunately, he would not recognize what he was doing as a problem. There was no repentance, or forgiveness asked for, and he continued going to the porn instead of his wife. That relationship eventually ended up in a divorce.

I share these case studies to show how other kinds of "adultery" can harm and even destroy a relationship. Whether it is "lusting" after someone else, sharing emotional intimacies, or in some other way giving to another what is your spouse's due. They destroy the trust, love, and relationship covenant.

Written by Rev. Daniel B. Baker February 2008



Articles by Rev. Daniel B. Baker :: Webmaster: Joseph I. Baker