Sex without marriage is OK, Right?

When the subject of sex comes up, many people immediately get uncomfortable. Even worse for many though is when they are asked, "Sex outside of marriage is ok, Right?" Society today seems to firmly hold that it is. That assumption puts many Christians on the defensive; how would you answer? And do you know of any Scripture that would back you up?

This article will give you some verses and pointers so you can answer confidently next time it comes up.

First this article needs two definitions to make any sense. This article uses these two working definitions:
Sex - an act involving "Intercourse" in otherwords vaginal (genital) sex. This is the most basic and most traditional definition. Many people also includ anal, and /or oral sex, yes people do ask about these. None of these sex acts are "casual" and should be taken very seriously. They also put one at risk for STD's if one is having sex outside a completely faithful relationship.Granted many Christians define "sex" much more broadly, I give this as a minimal, most basic definition and I do not intend it as the final word on the subject.
Marriage: a covenant relationship which in the North American culture typically is made in a civil (Judge, Justice of the peace, etc.) or religious (Church, clergy, etc.) setting.

The short answer is that the Bible consistently says that sex outside of marriage is sin.

Just a few examples are:

From the Ten Commandments, yes this sin makes it into the big ten! Exodus 20:14 "You shall not commit adultery."

The Old Testament Law goes into detail of forbidden sexual acts. What they all have in common is that they are outside of marriage. Some examples are, Leviticus 20:10-22 and Deuteronomy 22.

Jesus Christ reaffirmed this several times, one being in the Sermon on the Mount; Matthew 5:27-28 "You have heard that it was said, 'YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY'; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

The Apostle Paul continues the same idea:
1 Corinthians 6:18 "Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body."
1 Thessalonians 4:3 "For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality (fornication)"

I could pull many more verses out that basically say the same thing. When God repeats something this often and over so many cultural periods it means that this is a very important thing with God. This is why sex outside of marriage from the Christian perspective is wrong. In other words this is sin.

In a discussion with someone you need more than a list of verses. Many times telling someone the verses and the health/relational benefits of no sex outside of marriage will not convince them. Believe it or not, sharing the simple straight facts often will not convince someone. Remember you are fighting against some strong natural, hormonal and emotional forces!

So what is one to do? First, keep the facts and verses ready to use. Second, present them and your concern with love. Their hearts need to be changed, then the mind will follow. Stephen Lawhead put it well, "As much as a man might be convinced in his mind, as long as his heart remained unchanged all persuasion would fail." 1

Many times we win the argument but lose the war because we lose sight of this. Many times religious people often treat sexual sin in others as the "unpardonable sin." I take nothing away from the seriousness of it and its consequences, but it is not that! While not condoning it as Christians, we need to treat the person in a much more loving way, taking our cue from Jesus. For example, He dealt in a loving and supportive way with the "sinful" woman at Simon the Pharisee's house (Luke 7:36-50) and with the woman "caught in adultery" (John 8:1-11). At the same time He dealt with the sin issue. Notice that Jesus won their hearts! In the long run Jesus' approach works far better than a judgmental one.

What if you or the person you are talking with has already done it? Then the answer is the one given in 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

On the physical, emotional, and relational levels there will likely be some very hard confessions and actions to take. Get some help and work through them. Some can be worked through fairly quickly; others might never be fully healed. Remember forgiveness does not mean that the consequences disappear. King David is a prime example of that.

My hope and prayer is that your words, love, and life story will help others to live a life that pleases God and blesses them.

Written by Rev. Daniel B. Baker November 2007

1 Stephen Lawhead, Merlin p. 150.



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